Day 8 - 14th July

Thursday, 14th July

I received a phone call from the Cumberland Infirmary, Carlisle at around 2.40 a.m. The voice at the other end of the phone said, “Your husband is very unwell, please come immediately.” I rang Peter with trembling fingers. Peter is Julia’s partner, they live together in Preston with their one-month-old baby. Peter was kind and encouraging and spoke with a steady voice saying they would pick me up as soon as possible. Around 3.30, with my heart racing, I waited outside our front door. Then a cat appeared from the dark and snuggled against my legs. When I sat down on the doorstep she jumped on my lap which was very comforting. She was purring softly and when I looked at her face, I thought she looked quite like our old cat Tora. At that moment I had a slight fear that Iain was visiting me to say good-bye.

For the last few days since starting to write this record, I've been remembering Iain's face when I saw him for the first time after he died. It was quite some time after the nurse told Julia and me before she led me to the room where Iain lay. We were both very upset and cried a lot. Now I think the nurse was waiting until we became calmer. Julia went to feed the baby and I was asked if I wanted to see Iain. When we were first told of Iain's death it was like a terrible explosion, not wanting to believe what we'd been told was true. We were in turmoil. When I eventually arrived at the room, it was very hard for me to walk at all, I found he was in a quiet and calm place.

When I entered the room, I called his name several times and of course there was no answer. I cried and I could hear the nurse sobbing behind me. I touched his face and held him but was afraid to touch his body as it was covered with a white cloth. The nurse said, “It’s okay” drawing back the cloth as she spoke and then left. I stroked his left arm and hand. Again I looked at his face - his eyes were slightly open, his green-gray eyes very clear and gentle. His face looked so very calm and peaceful. The worries and pains of the last months and weeks had all faded away. I have to say that after he finished his thesis he started to look rather old and tired and lines were deep on his face. When I saw him that morning after he had died, he looked much younger and beautiful. This sounds as if he wasn't good-looking however he was.

I walked to his right hand side and held his face again, l lay over him with my ear to his chest. Gradually I started to hear a steady heartbeat and I wished it was his heart beating. But when I touched his chest it was not moving. It was my own heartbeat. I stroked his right arm down to his hand, touched his fingers and hugged him again. He was still warm and it was hard to believe he was dead. It was only that he was not moving, he was not responding to me which confirmed that he was not alive any more. I must have been there for some time with him, maybe an hour.

Peter came and stayed a while and left, the nurse came back and asked what I wanted to do. She genuinely said I could stay as long as I wanted to. I would have gladly stayed there for two or three days however I thought I should move, with Peter and Julia waiting for me and with doctors and nurses working, if I stayed there I would be an annoyance to them. The nurse took me to the room where Julia was waiting for me. We had another cup of tea, we couldn't utter a word at all. We were still in shock. After some time Julia asked, “What do you want to do now?” I asked her what the room was for. She said it was the nurses' room. "Well then we have to go. We cannot be in their way,” I replied.

Peter drove us back home, he was so good and made us toasts with butter and jam. He said, “We have to be practical. Food is to our body like petrol is to a car.” I think nobody was hungry but we just munched through. It was around nine in the morning. Actually I really don't know what time it was. I lost track of time.

posted by Edera