Weeping a lot

Telling people about Iain's death is much more difficult for me here than that in England. It’s probably because I do so in my own language. Words directly connect to feelings and it takes more energy to utter each word since each brings with it vivid memories. Or it’s perhaps the way we talk to each other – it feels much ‘wetter’ here. Friends moan as they remember him and try to encourage me which eventually makes me cry as well. Generally I feel it’s okay to cry openly here.

Maybe it was okay to cry in the U.K. as well but somehow I felt that I had to show strength in my behavior. I thought British people find it a bit embarrassing to encounter emotional gestures. “Stiff upper lip” was the phrase Iain told me to describe the English attitude. A nice thing in Britain is that people always hug each other. When it’s difficult to speak and if you only want to share the feelings or encourage the person, hugging is great. In Japan we seldom hug but we remember together, shedding tears and talking.

Yesterday morning, I felt exhausted after talking with four people although I was happy to know how greatly Iain was missed by them. When they left, I suddenly found it very hard to be on my own. I rang my friend to talk again. But I couldn’t cry much because I knew it would give her burden. I looked for help on the Net and found a site full of letters written by widows to their lost husbands. As I read them I wept and wept, shedding abundant tears. Some of them had almost the same experience as mine. After about an hour of good crying, I felt much better. It helps a lot to let go of your feelings.

posted by Edera